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Opening to more of me

Opening to more of me

Opening to more of myself

One thing I did yesterday was to get in touch with, feel, and express (mostly by crying, also by verbally identifying it) a very deep fear around the whole issue of tapping into my message, my heart’s desire for service, and being visible and vulnerable as a leader. Just writing that got me in touch with it again. There’s more to release. Really seeing this, allowing it, feeling and expressing it is what gets it up and out. In the past, what I would feel was the anger about having that fear triggered, followed by doing whatever I could to distract myself from the fear and avoiding it, until I succeeded in burying it again inside. I would blame whoever it was that triggered the fear, as though they had done it on purpose to hurt me, and focus on that instead of what was really going on.

Making this choice to actually persist in talking about this with a safe person, to refuse to let the fear stop me from doing the activity that triggered it was a quantum leap for me. Even with all of the amazing growth I’ve been doing this year, I can see that this is one of the most important breakthroughs for me toward living the life I desire. I have used the fear to hide my passionate peace, my peaceful passion from myself for most of this lifetime and for millennia before that, not all of those lifetimes on earth.

Writing that felt light. It’s as though I’m opening to more and more of myself without wonder, without making it special, just acknowledging and aware. I love wonder, and love experiencing it. However, when it comes to my own experiences, my own openness, my own abilities, feeling wonder in relation to looking at them is a way of distancing from these experiences of recognizing I’m so much more than I ever realized before. To look at them without wonder, without making any of it special, because it’s possible for anyone and everyone who chooses it, adds to my peace. I still feel that wonder sometimes, but it isn’t toward myself. It’s toward the One who works through me at times, gifting me through something I do, or through another being. Toward myself, what I feel is gratitude, grateful I chose to be willing, to follow through, to allow the possibility of another beautiful experience. Wow, am I ever changing! Even six months ago, I did not experience this level of peace about who I am, what gifts flow through me. Yet I kept making different choices from what I had chosen before, even if it was choosing to think differently about what was in front of me, or what I was experiencing or feeling. Because of all these choices, I’m choosing to step into living the life I so desire with all of my being. Each choice to open, to feel, to release, to acknowledge is a choice for this.

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