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Loving myself means . . . .

Loving myself means . . . .

Loving means not judging self v2I spent time today down on myself for many things, feeling fragile. That self judgment showed up in different categories. First was that there was a lot of conversation on Facebook about a high school reunion I had chosen to miss. I was judging myself as not being as good as: not having my own place; being adrift on my way to finding my bliss, rather than being in process of living it; not having similar life stories as many others (no marriage, an alternative relationship, no children); not spending my time having any wistfulness about the past at all; being so much fatter than I had been and less physically active. Second was judging myself for not knowing my life direction yet, for not having had my intuition explode into far more openness, for “spending too much time in distractions,” as someone close to me said to me sharply. I was judging myself as not good enough due to all of these things.

After some time, it occurred to me that loving myself, loving my being, would mean not judging myself in any way, neither positive nor negative judgments. I began to wonder what it would take to stop judging myself, what it would be like to have no judgment of myself at all.

Thinking of that, I created the image above. The photo is one that I had not intended at all. When I first looked at the image, seeing only the weeds and grass, I meant to delete it. I stopped myself. The judgments of myself are like those weeds growing, that I judge as unworthy, unlovable, less than. The judgment of the image is also like another part of the judgment of myself: not good enough. It seemed to me to be the perfect counterpoint to the statement. I originally put the statement on the image in black, but changed it to white. I like the white, because the statement is like a light shining for me. The words in white shine the light of that statement in a way that increases the impact for me.

It’s rather mind boggling, that concept of not judging myself at all. I have difficulty conceiving what it might be like to never criticize myself, never compare myself to anyone or anything else. It’s all in the comparisons I make. What the judgment is isn’t especially important. It doesn’t matter who or what I judge as better or worse. What matters is the choice to, the act of judging. Anytime I judge, I’m not loving myself or my being.

And if I’m not loving my being, or myself, does that make me wrong? If I make a mistake with lots of consequences that I and/or others hugely dislike, does that make me wrong? If I make a choice that I and/or others approve of, does that make me right? If I do something I feel good about, does that make me right? What would it look like to love my being, my self, right or wrong, good or bad, no matter what?

Loving myself means not judging myself in any way. I’m expanding into that a little more every day. I’m looking forward to experiencing living with no judgment of myself every day. I’m not sure how long that will take, only that I will get there, because I choose it. Now, in each moment, I enjoy life loving myself and my being more and more without criticism and judgment.

3 Responses to “Loving myself means . . . .”

  • Robin Cadieux-Vaughan says:

    Well said Mary Beth. Sharing this helps many people, maybe more than you know. Very moving.

  • Bernadette says:

    Sort of like the “road less traveled”…. or the “road much avoided”. I like how you have voiced your choices and been re-minded that experiencing life is where you are at right now. Earlier, you were still experiencing life…and in an hour, you will still be experiencing life. It is ALL good. you were absolutely right in accepting that self-judgement is the period in your sentence.

    love you….

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