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Expressions In Oneness http://expressionsinoneness.com Being Homoluminous Mon, 06 Oct 2014 18:53:42 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.4.1 Opening to more of me http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=93 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=93#respond Mon, 06 Oct 2014 18:53:42 +0000 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=93 Opening to more of myself

One thing I did yesterday was to get in touch with, feel, and express (mostly by crying, also by verbally identifying it) a very deep fear around the whole issue of tapping into my message, my heart’s desire for service, and being visible and vulnerable as a leader. Just writing that got me in touch with it again. There’s more to release. Really seeing this, allowing it, feeling and expressing it is what gets it up and out. In the past, what I would feel was the anger about having that fear triggered, followed by doing whatever I could to distract myself from the fear and avoiding it, until I succeeded in burying it again inside. I would blame whoever it was that triggered the fear, as though they had done it on purpose to hurt me, and focus on that instead of what was really going on.

Making this choice to actually persist in talking about this with a safe person, to refuse to let the fear stop me from doing the activity that triggered it was a quantum leap for me. Even with all of the amazing growth I’ve been doing this year, I can see that this is one of the most important breakthroughs for me toward living the life I desire. I have used the fear to hide my passionate peace, my peaceful passion from myself for most of this lifetime and for millennia before that, not all of those lifetimes on earth.

Writing that felt light. It’s as though I’m opening to more and more of myself without wonder, without making it special, just acknowledging and aware. I love wonder, and love experiencing it. However, when it comes to my own experiences, my own openness, my own abilities, feeling wonder in relation to looking at them is a way of distancing from these experiences of recognizing I’m so much more than I ever realized before. To look at them without wonder, without making any of it special, because it’s possible for anyone and everyone who chooses it, adds to my peace. I still feel that wonder sometimes, but it isn’t toward myself. It’s toward the One who works through me at times, gifting me through something I do, or through another being. Toward myself, what I feel is gratitude, grateful I chose to be willing, to follow through, to allow the possibility of another beautiful experience. Wow, am I ever changing! Even six months ago, I did not experience this level of peace about who I am, what gifts flow through me. Yet I kept making different choices from what I had chosen before, even if it was choosing to think differently about what was in front of me, or what I was experiencing or feeling. Because of all these choices, I’m choosing to step into living the life I so desire with all of my being. Each choice to open, to feel, to release, to acknowledge is a choice for this.

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How much light am I willing . . . ? http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=82 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=82#respond Tue, 04 Mar 2014 06:03:36 +0000 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=82 How much light am I willing 2

Right now, in this afternoon sun
that slants like fall in more northern west,
what can I be, do, have,
institute, choose, or change
to contribute to my target of
living the life I love?
I’ve accustomed myself to short
bursts of feeling alive,
spending the rest of my time
attempting to numb my mind, my
emotions in various ways.
The new choices I’ve begun making
happen both slower and faster
than I’d like.
Still, I see results in how I think,
what I choose, especially choices
to recognize and drop judgments.
Seems like such a little thing,
but have you ever begun to notice
how pervasive judgment is?
I seem to bump into it in almost
all my thoughts. Yet each time
I make a different choice, I’m lighter . . .

Mary Beth Haines
© 2014

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Seeing Differently http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=68 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=68#comments Tue, 25 Feb 2014 22:39:10 +0000 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=68 How am I illumined now d

The other day, I had charged up our mobile wireless internet, and when we tried to access the internet, the phone asked us what network we wanted. That didn’t make any sense to me, but when I investigated, sure enough, the internet wasn’t working.

I chose to open up the jet pack, take the battery out, and in spite of the fact that it took several tries, to take out the sim card, too. I got the sim card out, got it back in, then kept trying to put the battery back in. No matter what I did, the battery would not fit back in. I finally paused, felt myself surrender to whatever would take place, and asked Archangel Michael to help. Immediately, I got a sense that I should try turning the battery upside down and put it back that way. I did, and the thing went in well. All put together, it turned on and worked fine.

That got me thinking. What else in my life would work so much better if I turn it upside down?

© Mary Beth Haines  Feb. 2014

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Loving myself means . . . . http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=35 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=35#comments Tue, 27 Aug 2013 01:06:23 +0000 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=35 Loving means not judging self v2I spent time today down on myself for many things, feeling fragile. That self judgment showed up in different categories. First was that there was a lot of conversation on Facebook about a high school reunion I had chosen to miss. I was judging myself as not being as good as: not having my own place; being adrift on my way to finding my bliss, rather than being in process of living it; not having similar life stories as many others (no marriage, an alternative relationship, no children); not spending my time having any wistfulness about the past at all; being so much fatter than I had been and less physically active. Second was judging myself for not knowing my life direction yet, for not having had my intuition explode into far more openness, for “spending too much time in distractions,” as someone close to me said to me sharply. I was judging myself as not good enough due to all of these things.

After some time, it occurred to me that loving myself, loving my being, would mean not judging myself in any way, neither positive nor negative judgments. I began to wonder what it would take to stop judging myself, what it would be like to have no judgment of myself at all.

Thinking of that, I created the image above. The photo is one that I had not intended at all. When I first looked at the image, seeing only the weeds and grass, I meant to delete it. I stopped myself. The judgments of myself are like those weeds growing, that I judge as unworthy, unlovable, less than. The judgment of the image is also like another part of the judgment of myself: not good enough. It seemed to me to be the perfect counterpoint to the statement. I originally put the statement on the image in black, but changed it to white. I like the white, because the statement is like a light shining for me. The words in white shine the light of that statement in a way that increases the impact for me.

It’s rather mind boggling, that concept of not judging myself at all. I have difficulty conceiving what it might be like to never criticize myself, never compare myself to anyone or anything else. It’s all in the comparisons I make. What the judgment is isn’t especially important. It doesn’t matter who or what I judge as better or worse. What matters is the choice to, the act of judging. Anytime I judge, I’m not loving myself or my being.

And if I’m not loving my being, or myself, does that make me wrong? If I make a mistake with lots of consequences that I and/or others hugely dislike, does that make me wrong? If I make a choice that I and/or others approve of, does that make me right? If I do something I feel good about, does that make me right? What would it look like to love my being, my self, right or wrong, good or bad, no matter what?

Loving myself means not judging myself in any way. I’m expanding into that a little more every day. I’m looking forward to experiencing living with no judgment of myself every day. I’m not sure how long that will take, only that I will get there, because I choose it. Now, in each moment, I enjoy life loving myself and my being more and more without criticism and judgment.

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Loving self by choosing light http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=49 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=49#respond Wed, 31 Jul 2013 18:35:02 +0000 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=49 Light filters in 3I’ve been challenged recently to focus on loving myself. I always thought I knew about this, at least for other people. I thought I was good at loving other people. But I used to teach that in order to love others, truly love them, one needs to love the self. Guess who needs and needed that lesson? So I am beginning to look at things I’ve written, to see where I might have hints about what it is to love my self.

Somehow, while there was a part of me that knew I had light inside somewhere, the rest of me felt convinced that inside me was inherently flawed. I always seemed to think that even the Divine would find me, at my core, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough (thank you, Panache Desai, for that trio of phrases!). So I thought of light as external somehow, even the times when I experienced it internally. I would attribute that light to the Divine, denying it as inherently my being.

However, as I once wrote, light kept showing up to surprise me, to startle me out of my chosen darkness and heaviness. I’ve written a number of poems and other things about this. The lines on the image above are from one of these. More often these days, I choose to love myself. I choose it by taking a moment before making a choice to see whether that choice feels light or heavy to me. I even make a point of choosing what feels light! It’s an amazing sensation to choose what feels light. It so contradicts how I’ve always seen myself, or chosen to ignore myself in the past. I still run away from myself, but not so often anymore. Now, I’ll notice when I’m running away, recognize that I feel scared, or stymied, and choose to be gentle with myself. I choose to ask questions, like “Is this really what I would like?” or “Is this light for me?” Sometimes, I’ll just recognize that it’s ok for me to feel scared, and check in to see what would help me move forward, anyway.

These are little things that don’t seem like much. But I have to say, these little things are practice, that help me to choose what is light for myself more often. They are little things that decrease the power I’ve given to fear so often in my life. I’m finding that fear isn’t stopping me for so long as it used to. It isn’t able to hide from me, either, as effectively as it seemed to do before. Choosing light means recognizing more often when I’m lying to myself. That helps me to make different choices, like listening to someone nailing me on what I’m doing and feeling via describing how I’m behaving. Each time I choose that lightness, I find myself more willing to choose it again, then again. When I don’t choose light, I find myself treating myself more gently, and allowing myself to choose again.

This is such new territory for me! There is so much more to say about this! In the meantime, I choose to enjoy light filtering in through all my shadows, because when light filters in, the shadows disappear. And how can something that disappears be solid or true?

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Loving self by choosing light, by Mary Beth Haines http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=12 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=12#comments Wed, 24 Jul 2013 02:32:43 +0000 http://expressionsinoneness.com/?p=12 Light filters in 3I’ve been challenged recently to focus on loving myself. I always thought I knew about this, at least for other people. I thought I was good at loving other people. But I used to teach that in order to love others, truly love them, one needs to love the self. Guess who needs and needed that lesson? So I am beginning to look at things I’ve written, to see where I might have hints about what it is to love my self.

Somehow, while there was a part of me that knew I had light inside somewhere, the rest of me felt convinced that inside me was inherently flawed. I always seemed to think that even the Divine would find me, at my core, unlovable, unworthy, not good enough (thank you, Panache Desai, for that trio of phrases!). So I thought of light as external somehow, even the times when I experienced it internally. I would attribute that light to the Divine, denying it as inherently my being.

However, as I once wrote, light kept showing up to surprise me, to startle me out of my chosen darkness and heaviness. I’ve written a number of poems and other things about this. The lines on the image above are from one of these. More often these days, I choose to love myself. I choose it by taking a moment before making a choice to see whether that choice feels light or heavy to me. I even make a point of choosing what feels light! It’s an amazing sensation to choose what feels light. It so contradicts how I’ve always seen myself, or chosen to ignore myself in the past. I still run away from myself, but not so often anymore. Now, I’ll notice when I’m running away, recognize that I feel scared, or stymied, and choose to be gentle with myself. I choose to ask questions, like “Is this really what I would like?” or “Is this light for me?” Sometimes, I’ll just recognize that it’s ok for me to feel scared, and check in to see what would help me move forward, anyway.

These are little things that don’t seem like much. But I have to say, these little things are practice, that help me to choose what is light for myself more often. They are little things that decrease the power I’ve given to fear so often in my life. I’m finding that fear isn’t stopping me for so long as it used to. It isn’t able to hide from me, either, as effectively as it seemed to do before. Choosing light means recognizing more often when I’m lying to myself. That helps me to make different choices, like listening to someone nailing me on what I’m doing and feeling via describing how I’m behaving. Each time I choose that lightness, I find myself more willing to choose it again, then again. When I don’t choose light, I find myself treating myself more gently, and allowing myself to choose again.

This is such new territory for me! There is so much more to say about this! In the meantime, I choose to enjoy light filtering in through all my shadows, because when light filters in, the shadows disappear. And how can something that disappears be solid or true?

 

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